Time keeps on slipping away. Before I know it, January will be upon us. Will we be ready to move to Peru? I don’t know. I hope so. I am plagued with doubts and fears of failing. I must remember that God is sovereign and that He has called me. I keep wanting to make everything about myself. Life is about God, not me. I keep forgetting that. I look at my weakness and shortcomings and start to spiral down. I must look to God and His greatness and remember that if He has called me, He will equip me. I must remember that if He has called me, He will provide. He has always provided all our needs just in time in the past. Why should I doubt that He will do it now? I shouldn’t. I struggle with this doubting in everyday life dealing with our second baby coming, work and support raising as well as in seeking Holiness and being faced with sinfulness. I so badly want to be Holy because He is Holy and has called us to be Holy. I am torn in this desire because it is mingled with a desire for sin. I am full of it. The more I try to be free from sin the more I realize how deep it is in me. It is not that I commit a few sinful deeds but that my very core is sinful and wicked. It is true. I tend to ignore it or try to cover it. Only the blood of Jesus can cover it. When I start talking about sin, I keep hearing people or my own heart say that I should not be so hard on myself and that I should be more confident. I agree and I disagree. I should be honest and admit the wickedness within. I would be a liar if I were to be confident in myself and say that I am not that bad. But, I should also look to my reality in Christ. I have been called by Him in his death and resurrection and am now raised up with Him and seated with Him in the heavenly places. I should be confident in what Christ is doing in me. I should stop looking down at myself, not because I am not that bad, but because Christ has redeemed me. This is such a hard thing to accept. I do accept it and glory in it, but at the same time I find it hard to live out. I read God’s command for obedience and am floored by my disobedience. I wish that I were not plagued with desires that offend Him. I want to be free from sin. I hate it. But I love it at the same time. Paul tells us about this war with my old man and the new man in Christ. I feel it. Romans 8 tells us to kill sin by the Spirit. John Piper makes the point that this means by hearing God’s word and believing it in faith since the sword of the Spirit is God’s Word. So, though I see a sinful man I must look to the Word that tells me Jesus has redeemed me and made me righteous. I can also look to the Word and see how it points to glorify Jesus and God the Father and the Holy Spirit. Instead of wanting to glorify myself and trying to make life all about me, I must repent and glorify God and make life all about Him. Because it is. This is why I want to serve Him. It is not because I am so good or so brave but it is because I am so bad and weak, yet He is so good and powerful. I want to tell the world about this good and powerful God. I also can trust Him to provide for us and pave the way for us in His timing.
