I appreciate several of the elders who will be participating in this service who say they look forward to the worship service. I like that they said it this way, it reminds me that this is not about me. I am excited to get to be a part of what Jesus is doing with His church and that He is including me in His work. This will be a worship service where we come together and worship the Triune God; God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit who is accomplishing His plan of uniting heaven and earth through the church. I am privileged to get to be a part of this.
This is not exactly a new thing, it has been clear for some time that God has called me into his service. I hesitated to pursue ordination for a while out of fear and lack of confidence. I have always been painfully aware of my weakness and unworthiness to this call. However, I have also known for as long as I have been a Christian that Christ is my worthiness and that his strength is perfected in my weakness. Even still, somehow I failed to make the connection that Christ supplies the strength and ability to fulfill this calling. Forgetting to look to him for strength and looking to my abilities I focused on the fact that I am not particularly gifted at being outgoing or charismatic. It does make sense that if someone is qualified in a majority of ways but is not able to speak clearly or teach, then he is not gifted to be a preacher. He may be gifted and called by God for other worthy and equal callings in ministry but not as a preacher. I was content to accept this as my calling. I knew I was called to ministry and was compelled to give my life to the advancement of the gospel but just thought it would be in small group settings and discipleship. Over the last couple of years in teaching the word daily, I found myself getting more and more comfortable in teaching. I saw God work through the lives of those I taught. I saw God bless my weak efforts at teaching. I also found that I enjoyed it and that it is my first desire to communicate God's word, even if I am not super eloquent or charismatic. It became clear that God had indeed called me to teach His word.
Another reason I shied away from this call was, quite frankly, sin. One of my seminary professors at RTS, Dr. Elias Medeiros, taught the first class of the course Biblical Theology of Missions by preaching a warning from Psalm 51. He pointed out that David's prayer of confession and prayer for cleansing and restoration was followed by,
"Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you.
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, O God of my salvation, and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise."He pointed out that David's mouth was shut until he confessed and repented of his sin and was restored to fellowship with God. After confessing and repenting and praying for forgiveness and restoration to God, he is confident that his mouth will be opened and he will be free again to proclaim the wonders of God's grace. Dr. Medeiros warned us to be vigilant in pursuing purity. Satan is always seeking to knock us down and prevent us from speaking freely of the gospel. What better way to keep us quiet than by tempting us into sin. We must be vigilant to fight for purity but also diligent to run to the cross when we fall.
I think my slowness to repent and confess sin led to my shyness and hesitance in speaking. God began working in my life through the things that I have been teaching and he began to enable me to be quicker to confess and repent. The funny thing about learning to repent and confess is that it always leads to more freedom. There is a weight of bondage in guilt. When I remain silent and fear confession because of fear of hurting others who might find out how bad I am, I actually suffer the separation and disconnect that I fear. But when I confess and repent of sin, I find the wonderful grace of forgiveness and restoration that brings me to the fellowship that I was afraid I might loose by not confessing. Learning to be quicker to surrender to God and confess and repent has lead to a new sense of freedom and confidence that I only occasionally felt. I am still just as much of a broken sinner as before. But now, God has given me a sense of joy, freedom and confidence in His grace that actually compels me to flee from temptation much more effectively than the sense of shame and fear ever did. I cling to the cross and promise of restoration and keep pressing forward. There are still many times when I am at a loss of words and would rather just sit there and be quiet, but these times are fewer and far between. I am still weak and disgusted by my sin, but by God's grace I run to the cross a little quicker than before and find the grace that he promised. It is sufficient for me. I am even, by his grace, finding it easier to confess to others and ask for forgiveness. Oh what sweet joy to receive forgiveness from my wife and be restored to a closeness that began to fade when we remained silent about our sins against each other. Oh what sweet joy to hear my children learn to say, "please forgive me" and "I forgive you." Oh what sweet joy to hear forgiveness and be restored to God's people.
Now, I am blessed to feel an internal sense of call to the ministry of the Gospel of my Lord Jesus Christ that is confirmed by an external call by the church and friends and family members that tell me I have grown. It is exciting to see what can happen to anyone who will submit to the Word and seek to immerse oneself in it. If you water a plant with water, God will make it grow. If you feed an infant milk, God will make it grow. If you feed a soul with the Word, God will make it grow. There is nothing special in me. I am not holier than anyone else. It is just that God has brought me to my knees before the cross more than before and He is causing me to grow. There is nothing I desire more than to seek to communicate the wonderful joys of His grace in the Gospel. I look forward to seeing what He has in store for our family as we prepare to continue serving Him in Peru.
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